by Jonathan Gamble, Staff Writer

We’ve all heard the story of Joseph and the technicolored dream coat. He had a wondrous dream, prematurely told his family, Daddy-o gave him a wicked cool coat, and then he became a super-duper dream interpreter despite his brothers’ evil schemes. How do you follow in Joseph’s steps? You start wearing technicolored dream socks to bed every night. Duh.

You might be wondering why you need to replace all those socks you still have from that time your mother made a surprise visit, went through your drawers while you were at work, and saw that you didn’t have as many socks as she believes you need, and proceeded to drag you to the store when you got home. But hear me out. Technicolored dream socks have many practical benefits, especially when worn throughout the night.

First of all, these socks tap into the Force to keep cats from tickling your feet. You know when your cat is sitting on your bed staring at you, wide-awake while you’re trying to fall asleep and you move your feet around and turnover a few times to get settled and your cat thinks the mysterious movement underneath the covers means you want to play? Well, when you put on your technicolored dream socks at night, your cat immediately smells tuna in the living room.

Don’t forget about needing to wear technicolored dream socks to bed because you might have to brave the elements in the middle of the night to participate in the circle of life. You can’t put those gripper thingies that some socks have on the bottom of your bare feet. We’re just not there yet. You need technicolored gripper dream socks so that you won’t slip and fall on anything when you’re half-asleep about to pee yourself running to the bathroom. Face it, those tiny islands of rubber on the bottom of gripper socks are as dependable as WD-40. They are basically crampons for hardwood floors and bumpy carpets.

If there’s a fire in the middle of the night, do you really want to waste time having to find and put on your TGDS before you put your shoes? Don’t even think about leaving them behind.

And need I remind you that you are God’s baby? Babies wear socks 24-hours a day, 7 days a week, just because they are babies. Everyone knows that every couple who ever left a store to go home and make a baby went down some aisle and saw itsy bitsy Technicolor gripper dream baby socks and just could not handle the cute. People have literally jumped off and ran far away from the fence about becoming parents simply because they gazed upon these socks and could not resist the idea of having a little person to buy them for. I’m pretty sure the same thing happened to God when God walked into heaven’s “From Here to Maternity.” If God makes sure the feet of your soul have socks all the time, shouldn’t the feet of your body wear socks every night? C’mon, people. Embodiment.

You should also wear technicolored gripper dream baby socks to bed at night because no one likes freezing cold footsies. Also, you’re guaranteed to have better dreams. My fiancée told me a secret that’s been passed down from generation to generation in her family: when your feet get cold, your ovaries get cold.